Still Breathing....

I can't believe how long I have gone without a post. Between needing a mental break and going home for Thanksgiving, it just took me this long to get back on the ball, mentally and emotionally.

For the most part things have been pretty quiet. I am full swing into planning and organizing the move back. The boys are on board and excited for the new adventure (albeit sad to leave their dad)...My friend Ian has generously offered to come out and help me drive the Tahoe and trailer back...SUCH a huge blessing, especially since he has also found us housing for all of our pitstops along the way. I've made arrangements to pull the boys out here on the 17th and they are just about registered at their new schools in Vancouver (Austin at Columbia Valley and Gabe at Pacific). I am thrilled that the dream of having them at the same schools as their cousins is becoming a reality. These are the moments that I continue to count even the smallest of blessings as I walk through the most challenging days of my life. The big move will start on Dec 19th and our hope is to be back by the 23rd in time for Christmas. The boys are staying here to spend Christmas with Aaron (and Jenn) and I will fly back to get them on the 27th, returning the 28th. And then it will be done. Just in time to start the New Year....fresh and ready to welcome whatever this new life brings. So much is still surreal...like packing essentials and leaving things I love....while continuing to remind myself they are only things. I think about how long it took us to purchase certain household goods and furniture...or how long they took to get paid off...and to just walk away stings a little. Starting over after working so hard- not only to get that stuff, but also in regards to the marraige itself.

Working so hard for so long...then just watching it end so abruptly, and the man I loved become someone else overnight. It stings a little. He told me today after getting the final dissolution papers notarized that he hid his true feelings for all of those years. That he wasn't being honest about how he really felt....and that ultimately it wasn't about Jenn, but his need to not live a lie anymore. Those are really hard words to swallow. He is full on ready to take on her and her boys....and I reminded him that they were about to become his primary children. He apparently accepts that and I refuse to take the blame, even though I can see that he blames me for taking our boys back home. I suppose that's one of those conversations that could go round and round and never end...I am wrong for leaving and not making this easier for him to paint his pretty little picture of a new life and old life marrying up hand in hand and running off into the sunset. This decision to leave New York has changed me forever. Knowing that my boys have to live without their dad nearby breaks my heart. I do know though, that Aaron does have a choice to stay here or not. He has clearly chosen his job here (he could transfer to WADS in Tacoma if he really wanted to) and Jenn over everything else. Spin it anyway you want, but those are the facts. She is firmly planted here. The boys' dad lives here. She has been here her whole life and doesn't plan to leave. Funny, I never planned to leave home either and was chastised for it our whole marriage. The facts are what they are....I know without a doubt that I belong back home and it will take Jesus coming back to get me to leave again.

So today....I guess in a nutshell, I feel like I am not just treading water, but starting to swim again. I have never been so terrified in my life, but I know that the plan is in motion and in 2 weeks I will start to see the results. That I will be able to start my life...new and exciting (and terrifying) and this crazy ordeal will become my past. A past that I can look back on and see where I was at the lowest lows, while relishing in the highest highs. I will be able to pat myself on the back and look at how far I have come and what I endured. It's such a bittersweet experience. Realizing that there is now nothing left to do legally but put the final papers in the mail. Aaron and my life together is reaching it's final pages...I sure hope my next story brings more happy times and blessings and that I have learned a little bit more about what not to do and what I can do even better. I believe that at the end of the day, I've done what I could. I would have kept on working and fighting for us...but that God allowed this to be the path I am on. I'm not angry, but quietly sad at this point as I walk slowly away from a life I thought was the big picture.

I keep hearing the best is yet to come.
Can I get that in writing?