Alone.

Being a "seasoned" identical twin, one who has shared nearly everything since conception, I am realizing that I really don't do alone well. It's ironic (or not) that in this particular time of my life...when everything looks, feels, smells, IS different due to living in NY, that I would find myself going through the hardest of life lessons...alone. By alone I am not talking about separate from God (because there is NO way I would be where I am right now without Him), I just mean minus everyone else whom I have known to be my support system. I don't like being alone. I like balance and right now, I feel completely out of whack. There is NO balance. I have just a couple of friends here...and only one that is really available on any regular basis. Not that I am bitter, or expecting things to really be any different than that, but it's just really an extreme way to experience a season such as this.

I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I feel like I am a person that alone does well, but I desire to be enhanced by someone, and in turn, know that I am enhancing them as wel. Not that I have ever really known what that looks or feels like, but I would like to at least sample it to know if I am unrealistic to even crave it. I want that "other half"...I thought I was close to having it, but once the writing is on the wall, there's just no denying that too many essential elements were missing. It takes two full time participants to make a whole. Not one that is wavering and unable to follow through. I think in a way, being a twin puts me at a disadvantage right now. I have always had someone...if not my sister, then some sort of romantic link. Not in a bad way at all, but in the sense that I have NO idea who I am outside of a primary relationship...especially one which I tend to give all of myself away in order to make it work. I don't know if I would even recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy right now...and quite honestly, there's a part of me that is SO done overthinking everything. My brain is seriously on overload and I just want to disconnect for a while and stop the insanity. I need a mental break...from reality and decisions and the pressure of knowing it's all on me at this point. I know these are the experiences that make us stronger...wiser...more independent, but right now it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think one of the most challenging things about this season right now is that I feel like my life is a road that has been washed out. All the lines and boundaries in my life are being paved over and I am waiting for the crew to come in to even things out, smooth out the terrain, make it travelable again and repaint. I love the look and feel of the new road, but it's unfamiliar and I feel a little unsure of even which direction to go, or how fast to travel. In fact, I don't even recognize my face in the rear view mirror...pretty much the only thing that's familiar is my car and the beautiful faces in the backseat. I am so thankful every day for my boys and am so blessed to hear them say that they love me, more than once every day and that I am the best (thank you God). I feel like this season is really teaching me to just fall in love with both of them...to really wrap myself around them and be all that I can be for them, if for nothing else.