I am writing this blog on my way to Niagra Falls with Dad and Cyndy. The moment I saw that we were on I-90 West, I literally had to mentally talk myself out of begging them to just keep driving till we hit the other coast. Sometimes I wish I was the type that could just run away, because today I might have actually been able to do it.
My heart hurts today. As much as I am able to intellectualize this divorce…and can look at it objectively and with a good head on my shoulders, there are just days (like today) that sneak up and sucker punch me in the heart. I am sad. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. To go from being as emotionally and heart connected as we were, to suddenly just focusing on the boys and their needs and the details that must be worked through divorce-wise, it’s just challenging and sad and lonely. I never see days like this coming…feeling so strong and secure many days in a row, and then suddenly feeling tired, broken and sad….just plain sucks. I know that it’s SO important to allow for these days and to just accept the feelings and let them play out. I know that if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be moving in the right direction…but it’s just so hard to miss him…to long for a real conversation…to hurt….and then to know that there is no one or no thing that can replace the void. I don’t want to fill that empty place, either, because I am so determined to get through this the right way. I don’t want to replace, fill, substitute or complicate anything anymore than it already is. I just honestly wish this part could be over with faster. I hate wrestling with the reality of how it feels to have someone tell me one day that he is in it for the long haul and that no one or thing or event or circumstance could change that…to literally moments later, changing his mind. My heart and head cannot make sense of it….and then I start to panic a little thinking I may never find someone who really means it…and then what if I believe someone else and he leaves too?
Ohhhhhh boy….it’s just not my finest hour.
Can’t I just go back to bed and try again tomorrow?
Still praying for you, wishing I could fix it somehow, but you are right. There is nothing that can fill the void you have when the one person you want to talk to, hold, etc. does not want the same. It feels insane at times. Jesus can begin to heal that void though. He will continue to meet your broken heart right where you are. He loves you, will never leave you, and has not forgotten you. Promise. Even on the days when you can't wrap your brain around all of this, HE can. And please try to not go with the what if's. They can eat you alive. HE does have a purpose and a plan for your life. He will restore you and then some. Promise. I wish something I could say would help, but I know it really doesn't. Just know I love you and am here for you if you need anything. I am on the other side. You will make it. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers being sent your way!
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