The Shift

There are so many blogging topics swimming around in my head...fighting to be written about, but today I just want to acknowledge what I feel is best described as "the shift". Something has changed in me this week. With Jenn here I was able to really find my center. Something about her experience, our connection, how God works, and the situation I am in just shifted. There is an obvious change inside of me. I am feeling strong. I have solid footing...probably more solid than I have felt in years, maybe ever. I feel powerful and in charge of my own happiness. There is not even a single cell inside me ready to get up, get out and start dating (omg that would be a trainwreck!) but there IS a certain peace that comes with knowing there is someone amazing out there....just waiting for me to be ready again. I know I wouldn't be walking through this all to just settle back into the same patterns. My therapist has made some HUGE connections in my patterns and I am seriously still processing and in awe of her findings. I sort of always assumed that the patterns and behaviors that I have shown and chosen in my life (both good and bad) had some connection with my own parents divorce. Turns out that may or may not be true, but a very significant relationship in college made a HUGE impact on my future choices. That in itself is a completely different blog altogether and not one I am ready to share, but let's just say....WOW. I had no idea.

As for my visit with Jenn....it was so special and so incredibly perfectly timed. We had some great conversations. She challenged me on some of my behaviors and thinking and helped me refine and tweek things to not show myself as the victim in all of this. We ate, shopped and rested. I can't think of a better way to reconnect, recharge and recover. I only wish it hadn't gone so fast! I am finally feeling like I am standing on my feet again, instead of treading in molasses, and that in itself is an amazing thing.

Aaron and I have submitted our initial paperwork to the lawyers in Washington. Once they have compiled everything into the proper legal forms, we submit to the courts, wait the 90 days and our dissolution will be official. It feels so surreal to write that so casually, but what I am realizing is that even when we are completely against something, like divorce in this case, you start to realize that there are fundamental pieces either missing or broken. In Aaron and my situation, I would have continued to be willing to work, tweak, change, fix....but if one person isn't in that place, or even able to offer to keep going....you have to let go. I feel like I have let go this week. Emotionally I am balanced. I have peace in my heart and mind. I miss my husband, but know that our friendship has serious potential to being better than our marriage. I realize that co-parenting is going to take some getting used to, but that in time we will get there. I know that this is in no way the plan I saw happening 6 months ago, but I trust that somehow it's all as it should be.

In the end, I guess I just know that no matter what, it's all going to work out. Releasing my plans and expectations to open up for a better future for myself and my kids is key. I anticipate good things and a joy that has never been felt in my life. To that I say BRING IT :)