Disillusionment .

disillusionment (countable and uncountable; plural disillusionments)

1. A feeling that arises from the discovery that something is not what it was anticipated to be, commonly held to be stronger than disappointment especially when a belief central to one’s identity is shown to be false.


This word perfectly describes the state of my heart today. It's (almost) funny the way this roller coaster of emotions can still surprise me. After a month on the ride, I thought I knew what to expect...one day solid and strong, the next sad and low, followed by a day of complete and utter amazement that this could really even be my life. That's pretty much the crazy range of emotions, minus some of the mids and inbetweens. Yesterday was strong and emotionless...followed by another restless night of prayer and odd dreams...only to wake up feeling sad, confused and baffled. AGAIN. I am SO over this part, seriously....can someone please just pinch me and wake me up?

We told the boys this weekend. Pretty much the hardest single event of my life to date. Austin immediately bawled...Gabe wouldn't look at Aaron and turned angry. (I am relieved to say that I had their reactions pegged ahead of time and I was spot on). Eventually emotions evened out and the boys asked a lot of questions. We answered as best we could...I let Aaron do most of the talking about the "why's"...neither of them really understand his need to not be married (believe me, they are NOT alone on that one). I am sill trying to wrap my brain around it as well...I mean seriously, we have undeniably had our challenges...but quitting NOW???? Just when things were about to have the potential to get good??? I guess that's just his way of creating a self fulfilling prophesy of dysfunction...gee...so glad he gets to now pass it down to our kids. I can't even begin to express how angry it makes me that I can't protect them from this. After all the years of hard work trying to grow from the frustrations and move forward the best we can. To quit now is SO incredibly premature in my eyes. Aaron's dad even talked to him for a long time yesterday...which is huge, because they really have a strained relationship more than anything. Nonetheless, Ed was grilling Aaron a little bit...asking if he really knew what he was doing...trying to impart wisdom from his girlfriends divorce and the effects on her kids. Aaron is SO stubborn and so completely sure of himself (yes, today it makes me angry and I am close to wanting to beat the crap out of him). Just the fact that he even thinks that somehow this is best for our boys. SERIOUSLY???? He thinks that happiness for him is outside of our marriage...what I know is that happiness starts from the inside, not the outside. I in NO WAY am trying to claim a perfect role in our relationship....not ever would I think or try and convey that, but really??? QUITTING??? I am just seriously devastated for Gabe and Austin right now. I am mortified that somehow I chose a dad that would break their hearts like mine was broken. My constant prayer is that God will protect them right now...that He will move in and help me do everything possible to keep them happy and healthy. It's all I can do...I've got no other moves. I have talked to both of the boys about making sure they stay kids through this...that they do their best to keep focused at school and if they need to talk, to find one person they trust to do so...get it off their chests, and move forward. I have let Gabe know that it would be easy to let anger and confusion turn into depression...I've let him know that as long as he is communicating and talking, then he will make it through this but that the minute his school work falls and he starts acting out, we will probably have to turn to more professional options (counselor, etc). He feels that he has enough people he is willing to talk to that he will really try. If only I could make this stop...for them if for nothing else.

Tomorrow I am going to see a marriage/family counselor. I have to get some good unbiased feedback. My head is just so full all of the time and I really really want to break free of some of that strong hold. I want to start figuring out who Adrienne is in all of this...today I really have NO idea. I know people say that it gets better from here, but really, how? How do you just stop being married so fast? How does everything change without a moments notice? How do you cut off all ties and begin to move forward? How does the hurt and confusion clear up....and what about the anger and disgust? How in the world does your partner just up and decide one day that YOU are their biggest problem, but then in the same breath say it's not about you? Ugh. It's just too much to process and understand. Today is one of my first really angry days. Again, not saying that we had a picture perfect marriage, but certainly something worth fighting for...at least worth TRYING everything before quitting. Just his sheer belief that this is SO right makes me want to come unglued. Crushing the dreams and security of the three people you say you love the most...for your own selfish needs is complete hypocrisy....am I missing something here?

Okay....I need to stop there...do something productive and start my job search. Prayer MUCH appreciated.