Am I really in NY less than 6 months and is Aaron really asking for a divorce? Where was this in the plans? Pretty sure it's not what I signed off on when I agreed to move all the way out here. Sadly, the nightmare is very real and there is no punchline coming to make it all funny. It's shocking and sad to see my marriage come to such a screeching halt. I can't say that there has been no warning or red flags, but I guess it all depends on how you look at it. In MY perspective, warnings and red flags give a marriage grace time to make some changes. These things force you to get uncomfortable and in turn, a couple does what it takes to make things better. That was my commitment to our vows. Do what it takes and never stop. Unfortunately, that is not Aaron's approach anymore. Maybe it never really has been. When I look at the big picture, I see a lot of constant effort in my part to grow, change and respond accordingly to his needs. Cleaning more, being more, changing me, to fit what I thought would make him want to stay. As I look at his behaviors and willingness to REALLY change, I don't see a lot of true attempts. I can think of a lot of good attempts, words, but not a lot of action. Not to say that the problem of our demise lies in one person, but I can truly tell anyone with utmost certainty, that I would have stopped at nothing to try to make things work. Maybe even to a fault.
Was I slowly losing myself to be more what he needed?
Was I constantly trying to fit a mold of what I thought would make him stay forever?
Was I being true myself and the growth God was trying to make in me?
Not really sure. I feel like I have spent 12 years trying to convince Aaron I could do better...be better...fit the bill enough and make him happy. The reality is, I never could and still can't make things better for him...in that place that needs to be fixed. Apparently it is more broken and messy than even I knew. Maybe even more than HE knows. What God does through this remains to be seen.
In the meantime, my peace comes from knowing that God is purposeful. I know that He never would have brought me out here to leave me alone, with no support and no strength. I also believe that therein lies the whole point. If I was back home, depending on my friends and family for support, I wouldn't be fully dependent on HIM. He can do anything and promises to never leave me or forsake me. He also lets us know that he will stop at nothing to bring us to our knees in dependence and worship. These past few weeks I have felt His presence more than anytime before. I have been brought to my knees...He is holding me close and giving me peace in my decision to stay here for now and let the boys continue to grow and flourish. Maybe the landscape has changed drastically and "my plan" isn't mine anymore, but I can't help but get goosebumps when I think about what His bigger plan must be. I have prayed for direction and clarity for so long...is this somehow His answer? I believe so. This is where the healing begins. This is also where my story begins.
2 Corinthians 4: 7-10
7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.a]">[a] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Love you! With God's grace you will get through this.
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