If the truth sets you free, why do I feel like I can't breathe?

Since writing the last blog, I found out that Aaron has indeed been hiding some significant truth from me. After being confronted with hard evidence, He claims to "be in love" with a woman he has met since moving out here. I hate drama, but this is my blog, so I need to be able to just be real and try to process my feelings. This whole thing is beginning to make me feel crazy. I don't believe I should be suffering in silence, but on the flip side am feeling like by finding strength in my friends and loved ones I am stirring up drama when all I want is support. Where is the line with that? I am doing my best not to bash or judge him, but I have some very real, very valid feelings in regards to all of this. I saw my counselor yesterday for the first time (talk about divine timing) and she says, based on pure fact (and talking through the details of significant events in our marriage), that Aaron is a very skilled liar and that I need to be careful. The hardest thing for me is that in an effort to keep peace, I will tend to minimize the gravity of a situation. I have a hard time believing that someone I love could or would lie like that...I want to believe and not be distrustful- to a fault, apparently. Jill says that will go on our "goal" list. LOL....but the truth is, I will find myself completely standing firm and standing up for myself with healthy boundaries in place, and moments later question myself and feel bad for being honest and telling what is true. I am not sure where this comes from or why I am that way. I know it is making this process that much more difficult, but I don't know how to retain my power without giving it back in exchange for peace. This range of emotions since finding out my discernment was right is just ridiculous. Aaron admits that he lied and that he doesn't blame me for not trusting him...but in the same breath says that she has nothing to do with him and our relationship failing. He claims he has lived a lie off and on for the past 12 years. He keeps changing the details of the story to fit his justification purposes, but he truly cannot see any of it. That is what makes me feel most crazy, I think. Just the fact that he would lie to my face, repeatedly about whether or not there is someone else...that he would swear on our children that the books, signs and people in our life were wrong and this was simply about his need to be selfish and get out of the marriage. He says he "didn't mean" to meet her or fall in love and that he isn't being sneaky or lying...WHAT??????????? Am I missing something here? Again. I feel crazy. What boundaries do I need to put in place to feel more in control? How do I stay true to myself and retain a healthy relationship with Aaron (for the boys' sake) if I can't trust him. He admits that he doesn't blame me for not trusting him, but then goes on to say he doesn't want to fight, screw me over or hurt me. Again I repeat....WHAT????????

Last night was rough. I am not sleeping much at all and I am seriously exhausted. I am so sad for my kids and for the shattering that is taking place in our lives. The moment I think I have a plan that will work, something shifts and I begin to question things all over again. Do I want to come home? YES. Do I want to stay here and let the boys continue to grow and flourish? YES. Unfortunately, both choices have their own set of challenges and consequences. Neither path is clear or laid out. I know that means that I need to just "be" for now and let things start to work themselves out...that the plan will become more clear and start to be easier to identify. I am not so good at actually doing that, though...letting go and letting time and the nature of the situation sift and mold into something new. I have always been one to push forward and rush through the unknown to find something I can know (maybe even control)...or at least find something that seems familiar enough to guide my way. Right now there is nothing familiar in sight. My entire life has been effected in one fell swoop...and I don't know how to properly catch my breath.

Aaron is coming over today to work through some details. I am praying for peace in my heart and mind..I know I can do this....right?

(ps my goal today is to find ONE thing that makes me happy...no, coffee doesn't count. Oddly enough coffee has been downgraded to a mere need and nothing of enjoyment of late....sad, isn't it? Ok so one thing shouldn't be too hard...I think.)