It is well

So today was the first morning that I can remember where I have woken up ready for the day. Some of my first thoughts were of things I love...light through the windows...my boys and their morning hugs and kisses...my dear friend in the room next to me. I don't know how long this feeling will last for, but for the first time in weeks I feel like I can breathe...a full, lung expanding breath. That, to me, is progress. Jenn being here has been more of a blessing than I could have imagined. She has literally walked in these shoes. There is something so comforting about being able to see her bigger picture or "5 year plan" since her world was rocked so violently. It never ceases to amaze me how God just knows who...how...and when He will play the next key person in our lives. If we are fully submitted to His will, and really allow Him to do his thing without trying to continue to control or manipulate the circumstances or outcome, it's simply amazing. I definitely feel like I am learning so much more about me in this process so far. I spent hours trying to rake up the endless leaves on Sunday...only to have it rain yesterday and pretty much delete all my efforts. The cool thing about it, though, is that while I was doing it, I kept thinking...."thank you, God for knowing that I can handle this...for breaking me enough to allow me to see what I really AM made of and for giving me things that test my abilities and endurance".

I learned from Aaron this weekend that he and his "friend" called things off. That the reality of it all, coupled with it being out in the open really changed things. I am thinking from the information I recieved, that while the timing is uncanny, that she may have woken up a little. The affair was emotional (the worst kind in my book) but driven and fueled by no one knowing. The moment she knew I knew who she was, things changed. I am guessing (hoping) that she realized that her role was now that of "the other woman". Strange that she didn't see that before, but only when she knew I knew who she was, where she lived, etc. Regardless, he says it is over and that both of them know it was creating way more of a mess than either of them have time or energy for. Again, I am aware that I only know what Aaron has told me, but since that day, his behavior has changed significantly. I can see effort on his side to prove to me that he is being honest, but I am forced to not even focus on those things. I don't ask questions that require an honest answer...don't bring "her" up...don't put myself in a position to be hurt anymore. It takes work, I'm not going to lie. I am a terrible faker and liar and don't have much of a poker face at all. In the end, though, I DO know that I am the only one responsible for how I handle myself. I am choosing grace.

I had a wonderful day with Jenn...so full of hope and great discussions...of truth and grace and love. We talked about the Fruit of the Spirit and how we are called to respond in these situations. I am thinking about all the divorce horror stories and I can't help but think about the fact that if people could just stop letting anger get in the way (not saying NOT to be angry, anger has it's place, but it's also like a poison if you let it be your main feeling) a lot more good could come from the bad. If my main priority is my kids in all of this, then I HAVE to let go of the anger and do something productive with it. I CHOOSE to be healthy in this. I am choosing to look at Aaron like a flawed human that is broken in so many ways.

Am I hurt? YES.
Am I sad? You'd better believe it.
Do I believe that he absolutely gave me all he COULD? Yes...sad but true, he has reached the end of his abilities to move forward in this relationship. He has no more to give and in admitting his unwillingness to move to the next level in the healing of himself and all he has been through in his life, this is it. There is no more.
Do I forgive Aaron for not being stronger in his committment to our marriage? Yes....and it's an ongoing process, but I realize it's not about me, but him.
Do I believe in miracles and reconciliation? YES. We have been there before and if I saw that God was really working in him and making some very big, necessary changes, I would trust Him and do what it takes to save my marriage.
Do I think that will happen at this point? No. Probably not....my gut says by the time things reach that place, I will be moving forward with myself to the point that going back may not be an option. But I also won't try and predict the future, but instead move forward for the boys and I....each day, starting one more step on the journey. I can't plan out too far. I don't always know what my next move is, but I can honestly say that I believe I can do this and just can't wait to see what comes from these lessons I am learning.

Last night I was reading in Romans 12:9-21. It was SO perfect....I will just end with it and let it speak for me and the role I am choosing to take right now.

Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Be patient in trouble and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those that are happy and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with eachother. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!

NEVER pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see that you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge;

I will pay them back,"

says the Lord.

Instead, If your enemies are hungry, feed them.

If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.

In doing this you will heap

burning coals of shame on their heads."

Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.