Pain and Freedom in Truth

Last night Aaron and I had a conversation that left me a little stunned. I asked him what the "big picture" benefit for this divorce is...like how he sees it being a good choice for him and worth all this pain and complication. His answer was..."I just want to have my work, come home, and when it's my time with the boys, love on them. I just don't want to have to 'worry' about you....about whether or not you are happy/fulfilled/satisfied" (Let me add in that while the words are harsh and pack a nice punch to the gut, he isn't saying them in a rude tone, just answering honestly) So I picked up from that and said, "Worry about ME? I never asked you to worry about me....so does that sort of mean you just can't be bothered with me?" He said yes...and that this move is truly selfishly just simply about him. He doesn't want to worry about how his decisions effect anyone else besides himself and the boys (he truly thinks he will be a better dad for this and thus can justify splitting from me to do that for them...what a sacrifice!!!)

I sat there thinking...that in most cases where the "leaver" has such a strong desire to get out this quickly, many jump to the conclusion that there is another party involved. What makes me giggle a little is that for Aaron, HE IS THE OTHER WOMAN. He wants to have an affair with himself and not be bothered with accountability or maintaining any relationship other than his own (and according to him, his kids). Knowing him like I do, I fully believe it. There is a part of Aaron that very few people know...and it's not that I am defending him, but I know that heart of his, and in many ways, I do believe he has given me all he has (as well as all he is willing to give). It's so sad, but so true to see that he has really reached the end of the line without having to do some serious personal growth in order to move forward. I can only hope and pray that the boys never put all this together and don't emulate this same selfish behavior pattern in their lives down the road.

The conversation pretty much ended when I asked him to walk in my shoes for a moment...I said, "Do you realize that for 12 years I have supported your dreams/career changes/whims/deployments while putting mine on hold to raise the boys and make our family a priority...and now that you have your dream job/house/land/location and it's finally time for us to start thinking about MY future (masters/job...etc), you are bailing on me and telling me that you can't be bothered?" He didn't like the sounds of that at all and actually said that....he never thought of it that way and couldn't even deny the point.

All I can think of with that is how sad it is...but that something beautiful is going to come out of it all. My hope is in the promise of beauty from the ashes...and rising up to meet the full potential of God's plan for me.