Living inside a hamster wheel

That analogy pretty much describes my world right now... the wheel just keeps spinning, but I can't seem to find a way to make it stop long enough to get off. Being inside this house so much, spending obscene amounts of time inside my own brain, and lack of external stimulation are beginning to take a toll. The hardest part is knowing how to make something shift. I know that it takes time to work out all the details of creating a new life, but being in this in-between is just maddening at times. Just knowing I will not be living in this house for the long term, makes being here even harder. It makes me crave my own space...a safe zone...a chrysalis, if you will...somewhere I can really breathe and heal. I seriously already have it decorated in my mind and can just feel how warm and comforting it will be inside. I am so ready for God to start moving me into the direction I need to be in...but unfortunately I have to find a job and an income to start making that dream a reality. So far the leads are not panning out...but I absolutely trust that God's got that part covered, too. I am realizing so many things about my marriage...about myself...and am SO looking forward to letting this healing begin. I have a counseling appointment next week and can't wait to start getting some of this off my chest with an impartial listener. I love my friends and family SO much and the support has been staggering. Unfortunately, I tend to have to hear many perspectives, opinions, stories, warnings, (all in love of course) and worst case scenarios that it's hard to deal with my own feelings and responses. I don't get to them much, as I am working so hard to explain and defend my choices and decisions. I know that in no way is anyone judging me (if they are, I can't take that on) but I also know that it makes my burden so much heavier. I am the only one walking in these particular shoes and I know that the details of my situation make the choices at stake much different. It's like I am wearing specially customized shoes that really only fit my feet...many people have tried them on, or bought some that may look similar, but these are mine and only I can truly say how they fit or not. I'm not sure that what's in my head right now is even making sense as it comes out, but it's the best I can do.

I found an amazing resource last night. It's a Christian based divorce care site and had SO much good info on it...there is a 6 week bible study type exercise with scripture backing and thought provoking questions. SO excited to get working on it and see how it can help with this part of the process. I am learning that no matter how this "feels", it's time to let go. It's time to let go of Aaron and my desire to control what he will do with his new freedom...who he is talking to...what he is saying. I am struggling so much with just waking up one day and him not being my husband. I haven't yet figured out how to not care, protect, defend, support(okay that particular part is getting easier). I wish I had that switch like Aaron does, you know, the one that can turn things on and off the moment something feels bad or uncomfortable...or sad or painful. He says his heart is not married to me anymore and that forces me to need to un-marry him as well in mine. I am the worlds worst faker...but I know that to survive this part I need to guard my heart as it starts to heal.

My dear friend Heidi shared a vision she had with me back as I was preparing to move to New York. She saw a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis...at the time I took that as me learning to fly out here, away from everything I knew. Now I see that there is a lot more to that butterfly and the wings I am growing. Today I am simply craving that cocoon...but I can't wait to see my beautiful wings fly as God heals my heart and soul and prepares me to emerge from the chrysalis a completely new woman, ready to take flight for the very first time.